Being Cared For

My cat, Azriel was 21 years old when he died.  I got him as a tiny kitten while I was in my second year of college, studying Veterinary Technology. He was a regular fixture in my life and I couldn’t imagine him not being around.

 

Unfortunately, despite my discussions with him that he was never allowed to die, he began showing his age.  Although he was an old cat, his health was good for his age and when he got sick, it was fast.  I wasn’t ready.  Because it was so sudden I felt that I had to do everything I could do medically that was non-invasive to give him every chance.  I knew my limits and I knew he would tell me when he reached his.

 

On November 18^th, 2015 he went into respiratory and cardiac arrest on my lap.  I panicked.  My poor husband sat helplessly staring at me wondering how to help.  “Call Ashley”, I screamed.  Ashley is my co-worker who has known Azriel on a medical level and personal level for many years.  I wasn’t sure why I needed Chris to call Ash, but I just needed her to be on the phone.  While Chris tried to explain what was happening, I proceeded to perform CPR with my cat on my lap, in my living room.  All of a sudden I wasn’t “cat Mum, Rhonda”, I was “Registered Veterinary Technician Rhonda” and this was my patient! 

By the time Ashley arrived about 15 minutes later, she was expecting to console me.  Instead she came upstairs and saw Azriel sitting on my lap, purring and giving me head bonks.  The two of us looked at each other in disbelief.  “Honestly, he was dead.” is all I could manage to say to her.  She poured some cat treats into her hand which he devoured immediately.

 

Through tears I told Ashley that I knew he came back so that I could say a proper good-bye.  I knew in my heart it was time and that would be our last night together.  The next day I brought Az to work with me and he sat on my lap in the sunshine all morning, while I worked on my computer.  We had the morning to just sit and be together before it was time to say good-bye.  He looked up at me, gave a meow and then stopped breathing.  I couldn’t breathe.  I grabbed my stethoscope and I could hear his tiny heart still beating.  I ran with him in my arms to the treatment area and grabbed the oxygen mask.  Although I knew it was time, I wanted to make it as comfortable as possible and didn’t want him to be gasping for air.  As I was reaching for the mask, telling my co-workers/friends that his heart was still beating, Kirsten put her hand on my mine.  “We got this” is all she said or something along those lines.  I realized right then and there, they were caring for me and Azriel , and were allowing me to be the cat Mum again and not the tech.  As I sat draped over Az, sobbing into his long, brown coat, he was given his injection and his heart stopped for good. 

With just the touch of a hand and a few short words, it was obvious how much my friends cared for me and wanted me to be able to be in the moment with Azriel, rather than focusing on being his nurse. 

To Ashley, Julie, Kirsten and Jenny, thank you for caring.  To Chris, thank you for being there when I was so sad.  To Azriel, thank you for the opportunity to say good-bye properly. 

Azriel 

A Week in the Life of $18.00

Wow!  What a week it has been.  I completed the challenge and it was just that, a challenge.  Originally I had wanted to blog my experiences and feelings daily, however, finding the motivation to do so was an extra challenge on top of being absolutely fixated on my next meal.  I made notes and jotted things down, which I will summarize in this posting. 

DAY 1:

Pasta and sauce with carrots, onions, chickpeas and kale

Breakfast: Oatmeal, plain

Lunch: Peanut butter sandwich

Snack: Banana

Dinner: Pasta with tomato sauce (additions: onions, garlic, carrots and kale)

Mood: My mood was great.  I was still feeling good about the challenge and my anxiety about my food choices subsided.  I felt okay with what I had available, and I had a good foundation for meals.  The oatmeal was filling, although bland, but still kept me going until my sandwich.  The peanut butter was sugary sweet, not the natural stuff I usually have and the bread, although whole wheat was still pretty fluffy; white bread in whole wheat’s clothing.  My hunger set in while I was prepping dinner, but nothing that a spoonful of peanut butter and a big glass of water couldn’t control.  Speaking of water, I drank more today than I would on a regular day.  This was a good thing.

 

I was actually quite pleased with my dinner concoction, which even included some chickpeas for added protein.  I made enough for 4 meals, including dinner that night and packed up the rest in separate containers.  Unfortunately, the sauce had double the sugar and salt than what I would usually have on hand or what I would make myself but it was edible.  

   

I was feeling good and in control of the situation. 

DAY 2:

Breakfast: Oatmeal plain

Lunch: Left over dinner

Snack: Peanut butter sandwich

Dinner: Left over dinner

Mood: Surprisingly still in a good mood.  I found a pack of brown sugar from Starbucks which I happily added to my oatmeal, but rationed as it needed to last me all week.  Lunch was relatively good.  My co-workers thought it looked amazing.  I’m not sure if they were humouring me or really meant it.  My peanut butter sandwich was pretty good.  By dinner time, I was not in love with the syrupy tomato sauce and pasta from the day before and I was ready for a change.  I glanced over my groceries but it was too mentally challenging to come up with a creative meal.  Then I remembered that I had an acorn squash from the garden.  Yahoo.  It was glorious!  ½ for tonight and ½ for tomorrow.  Yay gardens.    

DAY 3:

Breakfast: Surprise, oatmeal!

Lunch: Peanut butter sandwich

Snack: Peanut butter sandwich

Dinner: Day 1 left overs…again…plus acorn squash J

Snack: Banana

Carrot-potato soup, pre-puree

Mood: My co-workers commented that my mood was great despite the food.  They were expecting a grump I think.  I was prepared for Day 3 being really hard, but it was okay, although, my thoughts were fixated on food.  I would agree that overall I was still upbeat and positive, but at times throughout the day, I would find myself daydreaming about what to make for dinner.  I was almost in a trance.  I found that I was hungrier on Day 3 than the previous days.  It may have been food boredom.   There was definitely not a lot of variety.  I hated the pasta and sauce but was so thankful for the squash.  After dinner I made a soup of potatoes from the garden, carrots, onions and loads of garlic.  Obviously I didn’t have any veggie broth so water it was.  It looked and smelled really good.  But boiled potato/carrot water wasn’t really appealing to me, so I decided to blend it up.  The outcome was a baby food type puree. Hmmm.  

DAY 4:

Pasta and sauce, sans extras

Breakfast: Peanut butter sandwich (I changed it up today)

Lunch: Soup

Snack: Banana

Dinner: Pasta and syrupy sauce- I don’t bother adding additional veggies.  I dump the chickpeas in just because they are there and easy. 

Mood: Day 4 was hard.  Thankfully my workday was busy so I didn’t have time to think about it much, but after work I was tired and hungry.  I am not sure if I was actually hungry for food or just variety.  I realized the bananas were all gone but I still had $2.65 to spare so in an emergency I could still afford them if need be.  My co-worker reminded me of her dinner party the next day.  She had invited me to it weeks before.  I could hardly wait!  My peanut butter supply was quickly dwindling.  I had been sneaking spoonfuls in between meals to satisfy my hunger and prevent any hangry outbursts.  I’m not sure who I was sneaking it from, but I felt sneaky while doing it.  Strange. 

DAY 5:

Breakfast: Peanut butter sandwich (all I can think about is the dinner party tonight)

Lunch: Oatmeal (all I can think about is the dinner party tonight)

Snack: N/A (Dinner party…tonight!)

Dinner: Did I mention the DINNER PARTY?  Lasagna, caesar salad, garlic toast and wine! 

Mood: Obsessed about the dinner party.  My friend serves me a giant piece of lasagna and tells me whatever I don’t eat, I can take home.  She concludes with of course you can eat it all…no judgement!  Yep, I ate it all.  It was delicious.  Thanks Ashley. 

DAY 6:

Breakfast: Peanut butter sandwich (now peanut butter and bread are finished)

Lunch: I hold off as I’m taking my son to a birthday party. 

Dinner: TBA

Mood: I wake up fully aware of what my food options are.  I’m bitter.  The memory of the meal before is too fresh in my mind. I eat my sandwich and try to distract myself until the birthday party.   The weekend is much harder.  I’m home with my family and I don’t have the distraction of work to keep my mind off food.  Of course my family is eating well.  I just watch, stare maybe.  

At the party there is pizza, veggies and fruit.  I’m ready to start chewing through the cardboard box but I keep myself under control.  I watch all the kids eating their pizza and then I see some of the parents have some too.  What?  How did I miss that?  What was I doing?  I wander over to the table and casually place some broccoli and cauliflower on my plate.  Where is the pizza???  I spot it but realize it’s Hawaiian and I don’t eat meat.  What a pain in my ass I am.  I’m aware at how ridiculous and small my “problems” are and remind myself that my little experiment is just temporary and I can change that whenever I want, while others are truly struggling.  Regardless, my feeling of inequality is real.  I see a closed box of pizza but I’m too shy to open it and see if it’s the vegetarian pizza.  What will people think?  I don’t know anyone here very well and I don’t want to stand out.  It’s not clear to me at the time that nobody would even notice or care, but I’m insecure and I return to my seat with my broccoli.  I am feeling sorry for myself and ask my son if he’s going to eat his crust.  I’m ashamed of myself but don’t really know why.  The party is over. 

That night, I pour myself a glass of wine and order Chinese.  I’m done the challenge.   

2016 Welfare Food Challege: DAY 0

Although the official Welfare Food Challenge began Oct 16th and ran for seven days, mine is just beginning today.  If you are not familiar with the challenge, here's a brief summary.  For 7 days participants from the challenge will eat only the food they can afford for $18.  

https://welfarefoodchallenge.org/

Since my H.E.A.L. group will be presenting food insecurity as part of our seminar, I thought this would be the best approach to research the topic.  I knew I was up for the challenge.  Erica will join me as well.  The moral support will be more than helpful and necessary, I'm sure.  

Oct 30th: Planning Phase

I went to two grocery stores with my list of what I thought was really reasonable.  I priced the items out at each store and went home to my Excel spread sheet.  The plan was to be organized.  The reality was I was naive.  The totals from Store 1 and Store 2 were $54.70 and $69.18 respectively.  Yikes!  And that was from what I thought was being really frugal.  Obviously there was a need for some major editing on the meal plan.  Rice, gone.  Salsa gone.  Olive oil (obviously) gone!  

$15.35 worth of groceries

So here it is!  $15.35 worth of groceries and $2.65 to spare. I had to get the "expensive" macaroni because the last bag of NoName had a hole in it and half the bag had spilled on the shelf.   

I'm more than I little unnerved by what I have to work with.  A wave of panic hit me as I starred at my weeks worth of groceries.  I wondered if I had made the right choices.  Should I return the pasta and get the bean soup mix instead?  I have only 3 bananas, should I eat them Monday, Wednesday and Friday or Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday?  What happens Sunday?  I only have $2.65 left! $2.65!!!!!!  I'm freaking out.     

The Happy Gardener 

I'm able to calm myself somewhat when I recall that I had prepped earlier in the day by digging up the garden.  Kale!  I have tonnes of kale.  I was sure I had potatoes in there somewhere too.  It's been two years since I've planted potatoes but every year I get one or two "volunteer" plants that just decide to grow.   Jackpot!  

The week's looking up already.  I decide it's not cheating to eat from my garden.  It's free after all.  The cost of the seeds is minimal and the money was spent ages ago.  I convince myself that this is okay because I'm doing a Welfare Challenge, which doesn't necessarily mean homeless and there are still some rentals available with garden space in the Lower Mainland, aren't there?  Or people must all be able to join a community garden in their neighbourhood, right?  I'm painfully aware of my naive approach to this challenge and feel embarrassed and ashamed but I forage ahead...   

SELF-CARE AND HEALTH

Okay, so define self-care and health.  Seems fairly simple and self explanatory; self-care – taking care of oneself and health is not being sick.  Simple enough.  But when asked to actually define the two terms on a personal level, articulating their meaning becomes challenging and far more complex. 

What does self-care mean to me?  I wonder to myself what is the right answer.  I see lots of people talking about running and sweating on their blog posts.  That must be it.  But I hate running.  I try to love it, but I just don’t.  It’s true I feel accomplished after going for a run, but the entire time I’m doing it, I’m wondering, “Am I there yet?”.  I forget to even notice the scenery around me.  For me, it seems more like self torture.  Next.

Honeybee - picture taken by Rhonda Benke

I think back to our class when we were in our discussion groups, talking about what we do to take care of our selves.  I was talking about gardening and working outside and I was talking about bees.  I love bees.  I had 20 hives at one time but they met their demise two years ago, which was heart breaking.  There’s still a lot of uncertainty regarding colony collapse, but my feeling is and has been, the use of pesticides, particularly neonicotinoids, but I digress.  Being outside with the bees, with sweet smell of beeswax and only the sound of their hum around me was magical.  I could even tell what kind of mood they were in dependent on the frequency of their buzzing.  I would sit out with them for hours, methodically checking each hive, making sure each one had a Queen and the three stages of brood; egg, larvae and capped pupa, which would emerge into a brand new bee.  I would watch the new bees chew their way out of the wax cap and welcome each “baby bee” I saw.  I wouldn’t wear gloves so that when I took the frames out I could feel them under my fingers and make sure I wouldn’t squish anyone by mistake.  During the honey flow in late summer, I would take any extra comb that they built outside of their frames and pop it into my mouth, biting into the wax and releasing the delicious honey from inside.  I was like Winnie the Pooh!

My times working with the bees was just that, “my time”.  It was something that I enjoyed doing and gave me a sense of peace and I felt connected to nature.  I felt healthy. 

I knew I missed having bees but didn’t really realize to what extent they played a part in my self-care until I was able to share stories about them in our last HEAL class.  I came home after class and was still talking about them.  My husband loves listening to me talk about the bees and good thing too, because once I start, it’s so hard to get me to stop.  They’re just so darn cool!  I was probably talking about bees the entire drive home, despite being alone in the car.  That’s normal right?

I suppose I still haven’t really defined what self-care and health mean to me exactly.  What I can say is that by doing things that bring me to a place of peace and bliss is what enables me to care for myself.  And by caring for myself, I will be able to care for others.  It’s like the triangle that Randy described last class; one side is caring for self, another is caring for others and the third is allowing others to care for you.  At each level or side of the triangle, endorphins are being released giving one an overall feeling of calm.   When all sides are all in balance, you feel good and are capable of achieving and maintaining health and well-being in your life.    

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

        -Ferris Bueller, 1986. 

I am that girl that literally stops and smells the roses when I’m out for a walk, although it’s usually hyacinths in early spring and those gorgeous smelly pink lilies at the front of the grocery store.  The mountains still take my breath away every time I see them emerge from behind the clouded sky.  I take pleasure in the small things.

I like people, especially people that are funny.  More accurately, I like people who find humour in everyday things and aren’t afraid to laugh at themselves.  “Funny people” like stand-up comics tend to make me uncomfortable.  I’m always afraid that they’re going to hurt someone’s feelings. 

Like many, I enjoy being outside.  I’ve planted trees which I loved, no hated, no loved; I guess you could say it was a love/hate relationship.  It was hard work.  I was smelly (and not like a pink lily flower), dirty, bruised and broke.  But I got to see some of the most amazing and remote parts of B.C. that I will never forget.  The old growth forest of Haida Gwaii is one of those places. 

I love animals, all kinds, and I’m lucky enough to have a job as a Registered Veterinary Technician, that allows me to work with them and teach others to care for them too.  I am interested in pet therapy being more prominent in our health care system and would like to pursue this further.  I have tracked wolves through Algonquin Park, and for fun I’m a bee keeper.

I became interested in pursuing a Master’s of Education after completing the Provincial Instructor Diploma Program, (PIDP).  I knew I loved teaching, but I found that I also really enjoyed developing curriculum and finding creative ways to present my course material to my learners to keep them engaged.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit off balance.  I can’t explain it exactly, but I don’t feel like I am my best self, whatever that means.  The HEAL program seems like the perfect match to balance my inner hippie, my drive for continuous learning and the ability to share and receive knowledge and experiences with those around me.  I am looking forward to regaining a balance between my work and my life in a healthy way so that I can be the best Mum to my son and best friend to my husband.  I’ve heard on more than one occasion that this program can be life changing and I am so ready!